11:15 am
Still No One Cares

Qui asked me these questions.

1. What is your most embarrassing poo story?
   
   OK, I don't have any embarrassing poo stories that involve other people, as far as I can remember. I am very careful to poo alone. However I do have an embarrassing poo story that no one witnessed but which I will share with you (thus ensuring that it is embarrassing). Recently I've been concerned about my poo because it has been rather soft like peanut butter. This is unusual for me because for the entirety of my life (except in the past year) I have been a constipated person with poo like large bundles of marbles all glued together. So a few months ago my soft poo problem was really bad. I had a few days of watery poo (but I wouldn't classify it as diarrhea as I didn't have to run to the bathroom frequently). On one of these days I was at home and had recently relieved myself. As I was about to take my leave of the bathroom I felt as though I had to pass so gas. I did the requisite pushing to release gas and got a big surprise! Yes, I shit my pants, not a lot, with watery poo. Afterwards I cleaned up and did some laundry.
   
   Oh, wait a second, I just thought of something else.
   
   When I was little, about 3 or 4 years old, I was a really constipated kid. My parents' solution to this was enemas! I believe they used Fleet or something similar. My father, being a pharmacist I suppose, was the one to administer these "treatments" (yes, my parents called it "treatments"). This is not to say that the whole family wasn't involved. I remember I would have to lie down in the hallway in front of the bathroom. While I was getting "treated" and waiting for the "treatment" to take effect, my family – mother, father, brother and 2 sisters – thought nothing of stepping over my prone and bare-assed body. It was rather humiliating even to a preschooler.
   
   
2. What is it like, living with the Man?
   
   Ya know, I've been with him for so long (living together since 1991, been together since 1984) that I almost don't know how to answer this. It's sort of like asking, "What is it like living with air?" Ok, well, he pretty good about letting me do as I please and not nagging me. He leaves his dirty clothes all over the house (the basement, the dining room, the bathroom, etc). He does a lot of garden work. Let's see, I don't know, he's a good man and a good husband and a good son. He respects me and takes care of me. He reads the paper during dinner. He helps me with the computer. He helps me with other stuff when I ask. Oh, here's something, I have to be explicit with him when I want anything from him. There's absolutely no expectation that he knows what I want at any time. He's entirely incapable of anticipating my needs or desires. But that's not a criticism, that's just how he is. If I want him to do something I can't expect him to know to do it (like put his dirty clothes in the hamper, not next to it). I either have to do things myself or ask him (tell him) to do things. Even if I am doing something around the house and obviously struggling with it, I have to say "I need your help," because he just doesn't recognize that I need help. He can't read people at all.
   
   
3. What’s going on with your BIL and his Ugandan bride?
   
   Oh, who knows. He doesn't tell anyone anything. And actually, we're not even sure the Uganda trip was about a woman because he doesn't tell anyone anything and when he did talk about his Uganda trip he says he went there to "help a friend solve some computer problems." Um, huh? That's why you spent thousands of dollars and days of travel? Although I think he told his mother that he "broke up" with his girlfriend after that trip. Anyway, whatever the reason for going to Uganda, as far as I know he's still married to a woman in Haiti. And no, she's not in the US and no, no one knows anything about that either.
   
   The bigger news with my BIL is that he's finally going to move into his own place and start paying his own bills instead of living off his mother (at the tender young age of 43).
   
   
4. Does having all that internet presence (personal blog, town blog, flickr account, myspace, friendster, facebook, etc.) make you feel more connected, more scattered, or something else all together?
   
   Even though I have all these accounts, I don't really feel like anyone looks at them. So they don't make me feel more connected. But I don't feel scattered either. Actually, having these various accounts sometimes make me nervous because I tend to compartmentalize my life – these people are my family, these people are my co-workers, these people are my friends who can handle my strange side, these people are my friends who can only handle some of my strange side, these are people I know from my town (who really barely know me). I don't like it when these worlds collide so sometimes I freak out about if they will collide due to all these accounts. I try to be really careful but I know that there's got to be some holes.
   
   
5. Did you or the lesbians ever see the woman who wore white to the wedding ever again?
   
   I haven't talked to the lesbians since the wedding last summer. Actually, the one is my sister's step-daughter and I get along with her alright but I don't really want to be her friend or associate with her. She's a little immature and gets drunk a lot (I used to call her and her sister "the Barflies"). I have not idea who that woman in white was and I haven't asked my niece (the bride) about it.